“A man has to learn that he cannot command things, but that he can command himself; that he cannot coerce the wills of others, but that he can mold and master his own will: and things serve him who serves Truth; people seek guidance of him who is master of himself.” – James Allen
Control- a definition
According to the Cambridge Dictionary, control is a verb that means “to order, limit, or rule something, or someone’s actions or behavior.” Control is an action word. It is something that we do or strive to do. When we feel like we have no control, often we spiral into patters of thought and behaviors that are generally unhelpful. Let’s talk about how our need to control can work to our advantage by determining exactly what we can control.
What we can’t control.
I don’t know about you but I struggle with control. I hate the feeling of vulnerability that comes with feeling like something or someone is beyond my control. My children, for instance. They are all grown now but I felt a definite, though false, sense of security while they were children and all living under my roof, under my perceived protection. Don’t get me wrong- the boundaries I set in place, lessons I taught, the rules I made, and the relationships I built with my kids definitely helped provide as secure a foundation for them and their lives however I quickly discerned that no matter what I wanted or how I tried, I could not control what happened to my kids in every situation. For example- they all went to school, out to play, did things independent of me. I could only pray for the best and hope the foundation I provided helped improve their odds. The anxiety that sometimes plagued me over my lack of control could be debilitating at times, especially now that they are adults! I had to learn and fully embrace the knowledge that I could only control so much and in the end that control was limited to my actions and responses.
When a client comes to me and it is evident that control is part of a block or a fear pattern, I make it a point to find out all the details. Many of us struggle with control issues- we suffer trauma and that leaves us feeling vulnerable so our subconscious convinces us that we need to control everything we can so we are not traumatized again. The problem is that controlling anything or anyone beyond ourselves is almost always impossible. Holding space with the situational aspects of control and getting to the root of the need to control is empowering and helps chip away at the block to success that the need to control, and the failure to do so, can cause. Ultimately, it is necessary to adapt and train our brains to decide the truth about the person or situation that we are trying to control. The most important line of questioning involves asking if we actually have the power to control it at all. When the answer is usually, “no,” it’s time to determine what we can control.
Remember, we cannot control the thoughts and actions of another person. Acknowledging and letting go the need to control that person can go a long way to re-balancing our inner world.
We cannot control every, if any, situation that involves more than just ourselves. There are so many moving parts not to mention that free will is a fundamental aspect of human behavior. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard, “I did everything right and he/she still did this or that” or “I was so careful and it still didn’t work out the way I wanted.” I myself have been known to say this a time or two. We can only do our best, plan our best, be our best and apply our best and be steady and allow our life experience to prepare us the best way it can.
What we can control.
In the end, we can control our responses. The more confident we are in our ability to respond the better we are at handling things, situations, and people, when our perception of control is uprooted. We cannot always control our feelings but we can control how our feelings are displayed, HOW WE BEHAVE in RESPONSE to our feelings. We cannot always control the situation but we can control how we react and respond to the situation. The words we say, the actions we take. We cannot control another person and we have to learn that their actions, words and responses are not ours to own, or to control- only our own.
If we are accountable for our actions and responses then we find freedom from the need to control every little thing. It is hard to find purpose, joy, or fulfillment in our lives when we cannot get passed our need to control everything. Start by acknowledging this block. Honor it’s existence. Hold space with it and understand the why, where, and how. Talk to it- tell it the truth of the matter. Then, take action- the only thing you CAN control.
If you have a problem with control or the feeling of being out of control is blocking your way toward living a purposeful life, let me know. We can talk about this block to truth and happiness and set you up on a path to goal fulfillment that will help you feel stronger and more in control of yourself.